Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
it was love at first sight
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri