TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
You Might Also Like
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato