My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
fair
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.