Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math