Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
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Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
based al yankovic
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Check out the legs on this baby
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”