When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.