Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.