[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
You Might Also Like
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.