I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s