Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
She was REALLY feeling it.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
My rap name is When i$ Lunch