As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
You Might Also Like
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
channeling her this year
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.