*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My work here is done
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan