[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
bout dat hot dog summer
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.