Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
She was REALLY feeling it.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?