God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
it’s the silliest best thing
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.