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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*