Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT