Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
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Facebook memories be like
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.