You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Lmao
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1