boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
You Might Also Like
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Adultry does not sound fun at all
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now