i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
seems fine
Schrödinger’s cookie
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.