Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.