Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit