“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Well, shit
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.