[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You Might Also Like
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.