too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
#titanic
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
dutch is not a serious language
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.