*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Word!
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
that colleague who touches your screen
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.