Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
🤣
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF