WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
You Might Also Like
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.