*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars