I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.