Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Not recommended for beginners.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.