ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
the last thing a carrot sees
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
“Why you watching this shit?”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
That’s incredible! 👌
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time