Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg