I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
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FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
PLEASE READ
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty