her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
man: wait
time: no
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*