Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
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Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Risking my life for fun.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.