You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.