so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
This probably isn’t good
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
What about second breakfast?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long