Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho