So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
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DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Living the best life.. 😊
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.