“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
The biggest mystery of our time
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer