yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.