Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.