One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.