I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Mornin
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Before & after 😅
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place