you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
bugs when you lift up a rock
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar