Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I have so many questions.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
choose your gary
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Google assistant rules
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken