“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton