You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.